Why Are You Reading My Diary!?!

Dear Vanessa Williams,Just Friends

When I went to sleep last night I made sure to lock every door, close every window and I placed the pepper spray squarely on my bedside table  in case any intruders should try to invade my home in the middle of the night.  Yet, you still somehow managed to sneak in here, read my diary and create an entire song about my secrets for the 7am posting on I-Tunes. Wow, that Autotune really does produce miraculous results!

Here we are once again
It’s the same old story.
You and I
Me and you
Claiming were just friends.

When are we gonna learn
That we don’t have a choice
We both know how it ends.
So we just choose to pretend.

There is nothing like a person knowing you inside and out, loving you for all your good and your bad.  The person who has seen you on your worst of days and on your best of days and still thinks you are the most beautiful creature to walk the planet.  There’s nothing like that moment when you go back to visit your family and they ask just as many questions about that person as they do about you which is only fair since when you return home that person wants to know all about your family as well.  What makes it difficult is when that person, that perfect person, the one you have more memories of being with than being without…is just a friend.

Just friends.  Best of friends. Perfect friends.  Just friends.

Yes, Vanessa, you were 100% right when you penned the words to that song. 50% of the time I’m okay with us being just friends and 50% of the time he’s okay with us being just friends but then there’s my other 50 and his other 50.  Rarely are they on the same day or at the same time but it’s no secret they arise.  It’s during those times we distance ourselves from one another the most.  Suddenly our four to five conversations a day dwindles down to one or two conversations a week.  Mainly brief and business oriented with a purposed air of detachment designed to remind one another we are Just Friends.

During the time of that other 50 I catch him watching me in a way he never has before, his touch sends chills up my spine even as his rests his palm on the small of my back the way he has so many times before.  During the time of that other 50 I duck his hugs and purposely air kiss near his cheek when I first see him or leave him instead of letting it land the way I do during the times of our other 50.  I can’t be pulled into his warm embrace because I want to linger there and I’m almost lost in the way his breath gently blows against my neck. He doesn’t miss a beat in the conversation he started the moment he saw me, yet I can hardly catch the wind I need to generate the expected responses.  During this 50 he lingers his kiss upon my cheek a moment longer than normal but I feel it resonating longer than I ever have.

Majority of the time we are in that other 50 when we laugh for hours over the backwards language we choose to speak to each other, jokes that are from 1996 but we still manage to think are hilarious.  We challenge each other in debates that last long after everyone else has conceded, rolled their eyes and left the room.  We mercilessly beat each other up over what to have for dessert and we talk for hours, sharing our fears, doubts, triumphs and goals knowing that we are Just Friends.  It’s during that 50 that we never have to refer to our friendship, it’s the unseen truth lying gently beneath the surface the way a jellyfish burrows just out of sight in the sand.

But during that other 50…it’s a constant reminder of what we choose to pretend to be, the boundaries we have created and purposed to adhere to.  Not a conversation goes by that we don’t remind each other of how we’re Just Friends, Homies, Pals and Buddies.

So, I’m not exactly sure how you got in, picked up my diary, read it so thoroughly and laid my hidden secrets along the tracks of this song.  Not sure at all, but what I am sure of is:

In a way it’s all kind of scary
The things that we can’t admit
We fall out of love and back in love again.
We’ll go round and round and still say were just friends.

Love Always,


Brown Sugar Friends

2 Responses to “Why Are You Reading My Diary!?!”
  1. arielle81 says:


    Hmmm, well,it sounds like it could be steamy and really good.
    I guess it’s just deciding when you’re going to bridge that gap between relationship levels.
    If it helps to put things in perspective you’ve been friends with this guy for a really long time, right? Well, if neither one of you is in a commited relationship with someone else, I guess the real question is how long are you two going to wait to see if it’s the stuff of forever, chick flicks, and other Vanessa Williams songs? I mean think about if this continues. When you’re sixty five do you still want to be wondering if you have something or would you want to know for sure?

    P.S. Didn’t Vanessa Williams also sing ‘You went and Saved the Best for Last? Maybe, she really is tapped into your life. 🙂
    Good luck!


  2. Sunny Dee says:

    I know…so true! Life is just funny like that! At the end it’s hard to know if we’ll regret the things we didn’t say but should have or those we said but really shouldn’t have.

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