Yes…We Know Your Name

Kevin Hart
Dear You, You and You,
One night after our bi-weekly trip to a comedy club the Chipettes were frequenting at the time we decided to go out with the comedians to this deli around the corner (we’ve since enforced rules about this but that’s for another blog). Just as Eleanor and I are approaching the table where Jeanette is in conversation with the Executive Producer we call out to her “Jeanette what do you want?” which causes the EP to look very confused at her and ask, “Jeanette? Why aren’t they calling you Miranda?”

Oops…we fumble around for a few minutes creating a barely believable story about how that’s her middle name and we sometimes call her that as a nickname. Amazingly enough he bought that and their friendship continued, we call her by her nickname and he calls her by her real name: Miranda.

Obviously she’s fake named him but what made it so believable is that we have a nickname for everyone. In fact there are very few reasons you would be around us and not have a nickname:

1. We don’t like you: it’s simple, when we don’t like you we don’t invest in you and don’t really even like calling you by your government so we certainly aren’t going to come up with a flashy nickname for you.
2. Your name is so unique already that we love it just the way it is.
3. You gave yourself a nickname when we met you. For example: My name is Jerome but you
can call me Emorej, my friends call me for Emo for short.
4. When you introduced yourself it took us so long to fully grasp your name and after stumbling
through calling you a few STDs we finally just gave up and decided not to call you anything at all.

But there are many reasons we give you a nickname. We don’t drop the first two letters of your name or the a at the end because we are lazy. We don’t go from 6 letters to one because your name is so hard to say, it’s an affection thing, our way of saying I adore you every time we say your name.

Nicknames come about for so many reasons:

1. You do something to earn your nickname, like answer the door and ask us who we are even though we’re basically a part of your family- Stranger

2. You never introduce yourself even after several hours in close proximity of our presence but behave like you’re our best friend- Stranger

3. Your profession requires us to call you by it- Music

4. We were pretty sure it’s the name you introduced yourself as and even after later finding out it wasn’t it fits you too well to change- Paul

5. Your relationship to us is so dear we want everyone to know what it is every time we say your name – Big Brother

6. Your relationship to us is so unclear it helps to just call you that instead of constantly explaining to everyone that we don’t know – ???

7. You had an incredibly odd reason for not being able to attend a Chipette event- Mr. Fisher

8. You get overly excited by the passing by of huge trucks – Trash Truck

9. You took us to prom in high school – Prom Date

10. Your last name is the name of a historically black university that we’re very fond of – Professor

11. You remind us of a celebrity – David Banner

12. Your life story so closely resembles a song you could basically be the writer of the song – Raheem

Nicknames come about many different ways but no matter how you got one just remember that’s us verbally declaring you our favorite!

Now here are some rules for when we give you a nickname:

1. You are never allowed to say “no thank you” or “please don’t call me that”. That’s an irritation and it causes us to be very irritating in overusing your nickname.

2. No one else outside the Chipettes can call you by the nickname we give you. That causes several death stares and if it continues for too long it causes us to demand you tell everyone to stop calling you that and that can be so awkward for you!

3. We may not call you the nickname the rest of the world calls you- but that’s because we have out own special nickname for you!

Love Always,
original post can be found on

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