Baby Shower Crasher

Dear Random Unborn  Baby,

I was at your baby shower.  I didn’t mean to be there and not only did I not know you but I didn’t know anyone else who was there.  See, I was trying to go to a Poetry Night a friend of mine was having.  He gave me the address and although I was pretty sure I would be able to find the train to take me there he asked me enough times if I knew where I was going to be able to plant a seed of doubt that convinced me it would be better if I just jumped into a yellow cab and handed the driver the address, confident he would know where to go.  So, I pulled up at the building and there were a set of stairs that led upwards into what looked like either apartments or offices and there were a set of stairs that led down into what looked like a large place for gathering.  Naturally I followed the stairs down and when I walked in the crowd was already facing forward, their attention raptly focused on the speakers who I assumed to be part of the poetry presentation.  I sidled along the back and found a seat about halfway towards the front.  As soon as I sat down and turned my attention in the direction everyone else’s was already facing I realized this was not an opportunity for expression at all, rather an opportunity for celebration as the speakers in the front were the proud mother and father of the impending life they were calculating bringing forth within the next couple of weeks.  I pasted a smile on my face and moved my hands together in the expected movement as the couple opened diaper genies, baby bathtubs, miniature clothing strollers, and a car seat to bring you home in.  Furiously texting my friend I started as I hadn’t seen the strange woman approach me to whipser in my ear,

“Have you eaten yet? We’re just about to put the food away.”

My eyes met hers and in the split second I should have revealed the error of my placement and calmly explained it would only be a couple more minutes before I found my way to where I was meant to be my lips parted and formed the words,

“Not yet.”

As she rushed to fix me a full plate of food and find a cold drink for me to enjoy I began to make small talk with the people around me, commenting on gifts the couple received and laughing appropriately as they explained the names they had chosen for their unborn child and the names they would never name a child of theirs! With a full belly and still no reply from the host of the Open Mic I was slated to attend I continued my charming, superficial social interactions, carrying on so well the lady next to me asked me to hold her baby while she quickly used the restroom.  Again, I turned with my fully prepared to emit the explanation I should have given over an hour ago when I first arrived, ready to tell her I wasn’t related to anyone in attendance, didn’t even know anyone in attendance and she really shouldn’t trust her baby with me because I’m a stranger.  My lips parted, the words hovered at the entrance and I said,


Which caused her to promptly plop the wiggly bundle into my lap and scoot through the crowd which had now gotten up to mingle.  In 20 to 30 minutes she was gone several people passed by with questions such as,

“How old is she?” Ummm… she looks between 4 and 6 months?

“Whose baby is that?” Well… have you seen a lady in a white shirt? It’s hers.

“What’s her name?” See… I… don’tknow.

Finally the mother comes back to retrieve her baby and I get up to make a quick exit just as it’s time for an all-girls picture.  So I, cousin nobody and sister to none stood in the picture next to the expecting mother smiling on command.

At long last, a reply from the host of the Poetry Jam I should have been in attendance.  Turns out they were in the building next door.  Same address but different building.

“Where are you?” I’m on the sidewalk outside. Just let me grab the party saver from this baby shower I just attended and I’ll meet you so we can share a cab home.

Love Always,



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