Chasing Ray

Dear First Love,

Life is no longer like a box of chocolates, I seem to now always know exactly what I’m going to get. I’m going to get a slightly different version of the first I’ve been chasing.

I watch a lot of Criminal Minds- it’s my all time favorite Criminal show currently and one of the things Special Agent Hodge said in Season Five- episode 12 is that we spend an incredible amount of time in life searching for that first high once again. Not a literal high necessarily but that feeling you got when it was the first. The feeling of pure joy, exuberance and newness that a first brings and that which can never be reproduced.  No matter how hard we try or not matter how many times we try to reproduce it, until at long last we look up and are faced with the realization that that thing now possesses us.

Think back to that first and really look at whether you are chasing the figurative high of that first moment:

1. Your first kiss

Whether it’s the first kiss of your life or the first kiss in your relationship you will never forget the moment your lips met for the first time and all else fell away. Every time after that, no matter how wonderful the kiss is, it’s just another kiss among many. You continue kissing and packing new meaning behind each kiss but you are always kissing a little harder, lingering a little longer in hopes that one day that next kiss might feel like the first all over again.

2. Your first Communion or the first time you accept Jesus into your heart

It’s a moment of pure ecstasy. In that moment you are clear and making a choice for the first time in life to walk with the Lord. It is at this moment as others are celebrating around you and you are celebrating within that you feel closest to Jesus. You are on the brink of a new beginning and all is suddenly right with the world. In this first moment your faith has not been tested, your patience has not been tried, your beliefs have not wavered. It’s a moment you can not get back although many people try. Time and time again we see people down at the altar working to reproduce that first moment. Accepting Jesus for a third, fourth, umpteenth time- even sometimes going to different churches in an effort to clean the slate and have that first moment back.

3. Your First House

I spent the weekend with a friend who just bought their first house and it was amazing to experience that first vicariously through them. Never again will you be able to recreate the moment when you solidify your future in such a way as buying a piece of land. That first house has a completely different feel to it as you sleep each night knowing that it is yours, you are the captain of this brand new ship. Suddenly it matters whether people take their shoes off before walking on your carpet. You cringe as the movers hit the wall taking your furniture upstairs because you care about the knicks in the wall. The high of buying your first house can not be reproduced although people try along the course of life, buying something bigger, bolder, newer in an effort to once again feel the thrill of that first house.

4. Your First Time

It’s no secret the amount of build-up there is toward your first time. If you’re a woman you want it to be romantic, there are visions of candles and soft music and just the right of love flowing through the air. If you’re a man you have a vision of being able to last at least two good pumps. No matter that it doesn’t measure up in your head to anything you thought it would be, what is clear is that you will never forget your first. Throughout the years of lovemaking it will get better, you will triumph over the early and awkward moments of  joining your body with another. What won’t get better, what you’ll end up always chasing is that moment of realizing that this one act, done for the first time, took you into a brand new territory you’ve never entered. You are forever changed, never to go back and that’s the feeling of the first you end up chasing.

5. Your first love

For me it was the summer before my senior year of college when I realized I was in love for the first time. I remember it was like the feeling of slipping on a warm pair of gloves and having them warm you in every way without even having to think about the job they are doing. Before falling in love for the first time I always wondered what it would be like and how would I know. Would it be like the love I have for my mother and father, that familiar and worn love that comes as natural as breathing? Would it be like the love I have for butterflies where I just want to see more of them and know everything there is to know about them? Or would it be something different? Something entirely new? It ended up being something different, something entirely new and I have been in love many times since then but nothing can replicate the moment I realized I was in love for the first time. The unexpected feeling of choosing to give my heart to another person and accepting their heart into mine. The responsibility that comes from precariously balancing on the edge of the knowledge that you have been entrusted with something more special than you’ve ever been trusted with before. We spend a lot of time in life Chasing this First Love, working to replicate it and reproduce it so that we may once again go from ignorance and into the light of the First time.

For me it’s been about Chasing Ray, who is it for you? Is one first more important that another? Are there any firsts that can be reproduced? What is the first that you are chasing?

Love Always,


Anything you can not relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you. – Mildred Lisette Norman

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